Ask a Gender Therapist: How Do I Know If I’m Transgender?

Note: Since the creation of this video I have published


In this week’s edition of the Ask a Gender Therapist Video Q&A Series I answer the question:

How Do I Know If I’m Transgender?

Note: This video was originally made in 2014, and I’ve learned a lot since then as a gender therapist. There are some phrases and terms I used in the video that I wanted to revise, so I did so in the transcript below (March 2016)


Ask a Gender Therapist: How Do I Know If I’m Transgender?

Hello, this is Dara Hoffman-Fox—back again with another episode of “Ask a Gender Therapist.” This is a video series where I do my best to answer your transgender questions from the perspective of a gender therapist.

Well, today’s question is a conglomeration of many questions I have received and it pretty much goes like this:

Hey Dara, how do I know if I’m transgender?

I get this question from people of all ages from all across the world, from all different sorts of backgrounds. So instead of reading all the individual questions, I figure this definitely means this is a question that a lot of people have on their minds (and so I’ll do my best to answer it here).

The first thing I want to talk about is the question of “How do I know I’m transgender?” being very, very big in and of itself and breaking it down in bits and pieces.

Let’s talk about how, if someone is even asking themselves that question it probably means, at the very least, they are probably not “cisgender” (i.e. feeling like their assigned-gender-at-birth matches their actual gender identity). Figuring out how intense and persistent that feeling is would be the next step towards figuring out of they are “transgender.”

But remember, “transgender” can be a wide spectrum, as well as it being up to you if you even want to use that term to describe your experience!

So let’s start off over here (left hand on far left side of the screen)—this is someone’s assigned gender at birth, their “biological sex”. If someone is asking themselves “Am I transgender?” more than likely it means you are not feeling aligned with your exact biological sex and your assigned gender at birth. You’re feeling somewhere maybe over here (right hand an inch away from left hand), or over here (hands six inches apart), maybe even over here! (hands two feet apart).

You can also feel like you fit nowhere on that spectrum, on more than one place on it, all over it… The options are literally endless.

So you can see what I’m talking about is that the discomfort you’re feeling about your assigned gender at birth and, basically, the assigned gender role expectations that you’re having—your discomfort with that can vary. It can be small, it can be very wide.

And so one thing to keep in mind is you don’t necessarily have to have a very specific idea of what it means to be transgender. It’s something that can go across the spectrum and you can feel freedom to explore that.

But at least you know for the most part there’s something going on with you in this moment that has to do with your exact gender role, and the gender expectations that are placed upon you at this moment.

The next thing that might be helpful is to think a little bit about the discomfort that you’re feeling with your current gender or your current gender role. Is the discomfort coming from a place where you are uncomfortable with certain gender expectations that are being put upon you?  That it feels like you’re being not your true self because of that? Is there, to a certain extent, a way that you express your gender and you feel like you’re “acting,” you feel like you’re being a “fake” or a “fraud”? It doesn’t feel like your true self?

Another way to ask yourself about your discomfort is how comfortable are you with the gender pronouns that people use for you? For example, if somebody perceives you as a “he” and you’re always being called “he,” how does that feel to you? Do you recognize that at times, more often than not, you really don’t like being called “he”? So that’s something to take into consideration when it comes to how uncomfortable that makes you.

That can also pertain to your name; maybe you have a very masculine or very feminine name and for much of your life it just hasn’t fit well for you. So that’s another question to ask yourself about your discomfort.

Go ahead and continue to check in with yourself about your discomfort when it comes to your body. Does it feel like your physical body matches the gender that you can tell you are in your brain? That’s of course a huge question to ask yourself and it can take a lot of time and a lot of patience to be able to figure out the answers to—well, all of these questions, actually.

And because these questions can be difficult to explore, so I am going to suggest that you find someone to talk to out loud about this once you do feel comfortable with somebody.

For instance, a gender therapist would be a great person to talk to about this. But if you can find a trusted friend, a trusted family member, even someone who’s on the internet that you can start exploring these questions with, that can really get you a long way.

It can be scary to do that at first. Because once you actually start talking about it, it makes it more real. But you’ll get to your answers a lot more quickly than if you just keep it inside your head. That will drive you nuts anyway.

The next thing I am going to suggest is that you do your research. One way you can do your research is to read other stories about people who are transgender. This could be on the internet, this can be books, this could be people you talk to in chat rooms or in support groups… The more you can hear about different transgender experiences, the more likely you are to be able to connect with one of those and say “Ah ha! That is my story, therefore, yes—I do feel I am transgender.” This can really go a long way to verbalizing the feelings you’re having inside, when you hear somebody else say them out loud and put words to it. It can be a very meaningful experience to finally feel like there is an answer for you.

Another way you can do research is doing some reading. A couple suggestions I have for you is to check out Matt Kailey’s blog and that’s He wrote this blog for years and he answers questions from readers. And he covered the topic of “Am I transgender?,” “What type of transgender person am I?,” “Am I gender fluid?” and all sorts of articles about that. So all you have to do is go to that blog and on the right side of the page there’s categories you can click on to be able to find more information about this.

Another suggestion I have is that you check out a book called My Gender Workbook and it’s by Kate Bornstein. This is a favorite of a lot of my clients. I have suggested this book to them. Once they have worked through it they feel like they have a much stronger idea of what gender is in the first place as well as their own gender identity.

So, there’s a lot of other resources out there but those are a couple of my favorites.

I think one of the hardest parts about the process of answering the question of whether or not you’re transgender is that, if the answer is yes, then more likely than not, that means you are having to admit something to yourself and then eventually to others that is a really big deal.

It’s a life changer, and there are going to be challenges ahead. So having to take a lot of time to figure out the answer to that question makes total sense.

So give yourself a little bit of a break, if it takes you a while to really figure out the answer. Because chances are that it is going to be something that is going to be significant change in your life. Of course there’s going to be amazing changes in your life from finally being able to finally be who you really are. But it’s understandable that the reality is that some of those changes are going to be difficult.

I want to be sure to mention that in reality, it is so hard to be 100% certain about something about ourselves. So also keep that in mind that at this point, the closer you can get to 100% is great.

But just remember—let’s say you do come to the conclusion that you are transgender and it is to the extent that you’re going to need to transition medically, which means you need to go visit a gender therapist, and a physician, and eventually maybe a surgeon…You’re going to be going through this process in which its going to feel like people are now putting you in the spotlight and are almost trying to get you to prove to them “Hey, are you really transgender?”

Now, in reality, I’m hoping that is not your experience. That is definitely the experience I try to not put my clients through. But it could still be there even if the person or professional you are talking to doesn’t make you feel like that. You are having to explain things. You’re having to go through it again and again and you could be going through that with every person you end up coming out to, over and over. “This is why I know I’m transgender…”

If anything, it could maybe help solidify that for you. But at the same time I have definitely seen where it has caused doubts to rise up in the heads of my clients. And again, this is perfectly normal—there is nothing wrong with that happening as long as you keep returning back to your truth and where you want to take that. That’s what really counts in the end.

Well, that’s it for this segment. Like I said, this is a huge question and I’m sure I only touched the very surface of it, but I hope at least it can give you a start on what to do.

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  • Jessica Hildebran

    May 10, 2014 at 6:43 PM Reply

    “Keep returning back to your truth” – this is a powerful message for all people, regardless of orientation. Great read!

  • […] One more thing before I let you go, I do want to dedicate this episode to Matt Kailey. Matt Kailey was the author of the Tranifesto blog. I actually mentioned that blog on my April 24th episode. […]

    • Luke heenan

      January 6, 2018 at 5:37 PM Reply

      I feel I should be a teen girl but I still like manly things like weights and bikes but I also love wearing makeup and looking at girls clothing and feel depressed as a male when seeing other girls and how happy they are and I’m confused on what to do

      • unk

        July 30, 2018 at 1:10 PM Reply

        I feel the same way too.. is there any way we can talk about this? Maybe we can help each other

      • Elliott

        November 19, 2018 at 1:31 PM Reply

        I feel that way too but reversed. I’d say that as long as you feel you are trans, that it’s true. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m maybe just a feminine guy. I mean, I love flowers and plants, pastel colors, and dramatic love films. I don’t think that makes me any less valid. I think it might be the same way for you. Liking stereotypically masculine things doesn’t make you any less trans. <3

        • idk menasria

          December 17, 2018 at 9:20 AM Reply

          i have the exact same feeling too…. i just do not want to loose my boyfriend because i love him so much but i am aware that he will not accept me as a guy…

          • Elijah

            May 8, 2019 at 9:53 PM

            I see you’ve written this about five months ago, and hope today your situation is happy and you’re in a loving and healthy relationship. I felt the same way when I realized I was trans. As far as I knew, my fiance was a straight man, and that coming out to him could mean he wouldn’t want to marry me anymore. It’s a very scary feeling, and I wish you the best. If you haven’t already, you’re probably going to have to tell your partner eventually, but only when you’re comfortable enough to say something about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been there, and if they really care they’ll understand if you give them time and communicate. I really hope this is helpful, and I hope whatever happens you find the love you deserve!

      • skygge

        December 29, 2018 at 2:39 AM Reply

        I think that we shouldn’t just follow the stereotypes of “how should boy/girl look”‘
        It’s just a form of perfect representative of this gender. If you want to wear clothes from the male department it doesn’t mean that you are trans.

  • […] – for young people, for UK people, for the families of young people, for university students, for people who like videos. I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do better than the standard advice given: […]

  • James

    November 30, 2014 at 10:48 AM Reply

    I feel like I’m transgender (FtM) but a lot of stories about youth transgenders say they started feeling that was since they were a toddler, and I’ve started to feel it since I was 12. Is this normal? Am I still trans, even if I haven’t felt it my entire life?

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      December 1, 2014 at 8:11 AM Reply

      Although some persons do remember feeling this way since they were kids, it’s actually just as common to recognize it during the onset of puberty as well!

    • Julian

      November 7, 2018 at 6:19 AM Reply

      I was so happy when I saw this comment because, I, 100% relate to it. I’m a twelve-year-old who recently came out as trans (FtM), but my Mom explained that it could be ‘hormones’, or that I’m just confused. She said I always used to be a girly-girl up until recently. Whats really confusing me is, when my mom asked me, “Why do you feel this way?” I didnt know how to repond.

    • Connor sood folllrj

      May 24, 2019 at 2:05 PM Reply

      It doesnt make a difference when you start to feel it so long as you feel it strongly

  • Charlie

    January 1, 2015 at 4:57 PM Reply

    I am transgender and have known it for over 20 years. I’ve actually suspected it for most of my life saying back to my teen years but back in the ’70s the internet was not available as a public forum and access to therapists who understood what gender dysphoria was was for all intents and purposes non existent. I am ecstatic that so much help and guidance is available to today’s youth and young adults and it is heartening that “trans people” are being represented more in the media and in a more positive way as well. I wish the resources currently available were there for me at the time. I am a middle aged married man with children and though I am very much to the “hands two feet apart to the right” I remain male, at least for now, because of the collateral damage I would cause. Returning back to your truth is probably the best advice you can give, we can’t dismiss what we are.

    • Terry

      September 11, 2016 at 5:56 PM Reply

      This is exactly the way I have felt my whole life from at least the age of eight.With a name as girly as terry I have wish it were Terriann as with all that has happened in my life having three children and being married for 40 years I am still in the closest as the only people that knew I loved being a girl are now diciest. I suppose I will take it to the grave with me. As my story too will cause to much collateral damage to all involved .It is quite obvious my spouse just hates the idea of Bruce Jenner being a reality I know she would hate me to the grave.There is no other thinking in her head or forgiveness.She just shuts out the facts that I have breasts and don’t care about sex with her as the functioning doesn’t work the way it used to.She just resents me and says I don’t love her anymore though wrong she wont listen to reason.

  • Alex

    January 15, 2015 at 7:14 AM Reply

    Hi, I´m not sure if I am a transgender or not, I am a girl but since I was very young I´ve felt more comfortable as a boy and I still do today. I haven´t changed anything on the outside but inside I feel like a guy most of the time. I dress like a guy a lot and I have had short hair but my family does not really like it. I think that the fact that my family is traditional, I have not been able to explore myself and discover who I really am.

  • micah

    January 16, 2015 at 3:23 PM Reply

    hello I think I am transgender .I am boy but ever since I was around 5 I started wanting to be a girl. I even dress up as a girl but my family doesn’t know. am I transgender?

    • Jaymegurl

      May 15, 2015 at 6:17 PM Reply

      Dear Micah :

      You’re not alone in feeling this way, ever since I was five, I always wanted to be a girl.
      I started out by stealing my sisters brand-new dresses and my mom’s thong panties
      pantyhose, and high heels. I remember mom had the neighborhood ladies over for
      afternoon tea, and since my sister was out playing with the neighborhood kids, I was
      asked to help serve the ladies. Oh, the joy I felt when I came out of my bedroom in
      a pink petticoat dress with lots of ruffles and bows in my hair and pink one-inch heels.
      I thought my Mom was going to spank me when I bent over, but instead, she made me
      kiss each of the ladies on the cheek like a good servant should.

      My sister is about the only person in my family that understands my wanting and
      needing to be a WOMAN. She is a clinical doctor, and told me a long time ago that
      she knew that I was trans-gender-ed. Margaret told me I need to be myself, and
      not let others opinions bother me.

      Now, I love wearing dresses and women’s clothing, partly because these fit me perfectly,
      and partly because I’m totally me in them. I hate being a male, and having this damn
      THING between my legs, surgery is not even a possibility, so I’m not going that route


  • Christofer

    January 18, 2015 at 9:23 PM Reply

    Lately I’ve been questioning if I’m transgender (FtM). I’ve just felt wrong, and uncomfortable being in a female body. But I’m still not 100% sure (or close to 100%).

  • miguel

    January 21, 2015 at 12:50 PM Reply

    well i’m a drag queen i started doing this about a year well i like doing it & i some times i feel like i’m stuck in a boys body because i mostly find girls things attractive & i even do my nails well i feel im not a boy in some moments because i do like girls things more then boys but as a boy i still dress normal doing school & going out

  • Britt Perkins

    February 17, 2015 at 4:21 PM Reply

    I’m a female bodied person. If I don’t like wearing dresses, feeling dainty or being submissive during sex, does that mean I am transgender? Is there something in female biology that makes us want to wear dresses and be submissive? Or is gender culturally constructed? I want to be a woman, but I don’t like the gender roles associated with being a woman. I want to be a women who enjoys being tough and having hairy legs and driving big trucks and wearing pants and flannel.

    • MichB

      October 25, 2015 at 4:50 PM Reply

      I have the same question. I’m a female (so biologically a woman) but I’ve never been comfortable with feminine gendered things (e.g. feeling I have to be ‘pretty’ makes me incredibly uncomfortable, wearing makeup and dresses gives me this weird cognitive dissonance -it’s like tunnel vision). I have fantasised about being a man and not feeling like I have to portray this gender. For a while I was trying to find out if I might be transgender… But then I realised that gender is socially constructed. So if I have a problem with presenting in a feminine way, the problem isn’t me but society’s idea of what is means to be a woman.

      What I want to be isn’t a woman, but it isn’t a man either. I just want to be myself.

      • Annie

        July 12, 2016 at 10:11 PM Reply

        I think both of you are Agender. You like wearing boy clothes but you also like being a female. Either Agender if genderqueer.

      • femit

        April 6, 2018 at 3:10 PM Reply

        uh how this is so accurate to me. it’s like you’re describing me.

    • Aurelien

      March 16, 2018 at 10:08 PM Reply

      I have a very similar question to Britt and MichB. I am sixteen and I am biologically female, but I have always wanted to be male and, like MichB, have even fantasized about magically turning male. (A rare, medical condition, never seen before, by which a teenage girl transitions to male in an inexplicable second puberty! Doctors can’t get their heads around it, but the teenager seems strangely nonplussed.) That sort of thing. I have several traditionally male traits: not being emotional, being very rational, disliking dresses and short shorts (mostly because I find them physically uncomfortable- I don’t understand how most girls can stand letting their thighs touch a public school seat), disliking and being extremely incompetent with makeup (I didn’t mean to turn myself into the subject of a Picasso, but somehow it happened), being completely unmoved by small animals (and extremely disliking it when I feel like I have to pretend to adore them – I’m basically the only one on my crew team who doesn’t squeal when a dog runs past), and even having messy handwriting. I cut my hair several months ago and was nervous about it before, but it felt so right when it was off. Everything about it fit. It was incredible.

      I have always wanted to be male and felt like I would be happier as a male, but -unlike what I have heard a lot from other trans- I have not felt since birth that I was born in the wrong body. Almost everyone I know would probably be shocked to discover that I am even considering the fact that I might be trans. Am I just reacting to societal norms concerning what females are expected to do? Is wanting to be male a good enough reason to change genders?

      • Avery

        July 15, 2018 at 5:48 PM Reply

        I have the exact same question, and feel almost exactly the same, but I also recognize that I dislike having boobs, and kinda came to this realization as I asked why I drew my persona without any- it’s not like I can’t draw anatomy, I’ve been studying for a while.
        Also on top of that, I’ve been trying out thinking of myself as a guy and using he/him pronouns and it… kinda makes me excited, in an odd way.
        On top of that, if I bring it up at all, my mom says I’m not, because I never acted like a boy as a little kid, so IDK. Am I just uncomfortable with societal norms, or am I really trans? Am I making a whole big deal of it and lying to myself to feel special, or do I really have body dysphoria?
        I wish there was just a simple psychological test because as much as I want to visit a gender therapist there’s no way I’m gonna get that…

    • Cora H.

      January 4, 2019 at 12:31 PM Reply

      Brit, I couldn’t agree with you more. Personally, I feel quite comfortable or okay being considered a female, but I very much dislike it when people assume I’m dainty or submissive. I feel my best wearing flannel, jeans, and boots. I drive a truck and have worked manual labor jobs in the past. However, I don’t feel like those facts make me any less female. I guess I answered my own personal truths in this reply. I hope you and others in question out there can find theirs.

  • lewis

    February 18, 2015 at 4:36 PM Reply

    I feel the same as you, I’m a 17 year old male, but I feel much more comfortable dressed as a girl, however I only ever do this is private.

  • Carmen

    February 21, 2015 at 7:21 PM Reply

    Does it count as trans if you feel comfortable with your body, but you just don’t see it as female? Can you go between non-binary and cis gender woman? Would that still be trans?

    Is it rude to other trans people if you look like a cisgendered girl with the long hair and other gender expression components, but still identify as agender?

    • anonymous

      January 14, 2016 at 12:47 PM Reply

      heck no, look however you want to look

  • liam

    February 28, 2015 at 4:27 PM Reply

    Am I transgender mtf ive allways likeed girls things more and I hate being called à boy

  • Jerry

    March 4, 2015 at 8:51 PM Reply

    Wonderful read! I am transgender but am just starting to accept this. I wear my female clothes in public and at home and have many supportive friends for which I’m thankful for. I still dress as a male at work and around my family as my boss is religious and my family doesnt approve.

    I’m still trying to figure out what I need to do to live as I feel I am inside but am struggling because I know its a long and expensive process. I know I need this to be happy, I’m just not sure how to get there lol. Thank you for the wonderful post.

  • Rosie

    March 6, 2015 at 5:04 AM Reply

    Dear Dara,

    I would like to let you know, how thankful I am to all the online information you provide.
    I have watched all your Youtube videos and off-course read your blog.

    I guess I knew something is different about me (without the ability to pinpoint it) since I can remember.
    Since my early teen years I have always felt that I was born in the wrong body but, although it bothered me and influenced dramatically on all areas of my life I’ve never had the courage to be really who I am in public.
    Inside, I have always felt a female and I do not remember even one day that have passed where I didn’t cry and wished I was born with the right body.

    I am in my early 50’s, married to a wonderful woman and together we have 3 children.
    All my adult life my first priority was my family and although I suffered having to put on a mask every day I preferred to put my happiness at second priority.
    Finally I think that I deserve to be free and happy with myself and I plan to start my road to transition (hopefully I’ll have more roses then thorns along the road).

    I would like to check if you can recommend a female therapist from Israel who specialize with transgender woman.
    I live in Tel Aviv area but willing to travel within Israel anywhere.

    Thank you very much in advance,

  • […] feel like a guy… I mean… you miiiiiight be transgen, you know ^^ Gender fluid, perhaps? Ask a Gender Therapist: How Do I Know If I'm Transgender? – Dara Hoffman-Fox that's a cool video, might help give clarity. Anyways, take care <3 __________________ Life is […]

  • Jc Meekle

    April 11, 2015 at 4:02 PM Reply

    Hey, I’m a ftm transgender. I’ve been dressing up like a guy, and acting like one since 7. As I reached 12, puberty started and every month I took meds in order to stop it. I’ve been binding, and also when I get into the shower every morning I cry. I love it when people call me a boy. I’m a bisexual but when people call me straight, I think of myself being a male who likes female. I Have my hair short and spiked, and have been growing a little beard and little moustache, Also In school For PE/Gym class I work with the bys group and get changed somewhere else, This makes me feel so much more comfortable. And I was in the boys sex education group too. I fancy girls more then boys. Is there any possibility I’m a guy or maybe I have an ingrown penis. I strongly agree it’s not a phase.

  • jane

    April 17, 2015 at 8:21 AM Reply

    There are lots of women who enjoy the same things you enjoy! I think that the “gender roles” are just a closed-minded cultural interpretation of what men and women should act like. Not everyone fits that description, and that’s ok.

  • Bobbi

    May 5, 2015 at 8:19 AM Reply

    Hello i am a 60 year old man and i have always felt like i was in the wrong body and i find the older i get the more i need to dress like the woman i really am but i am married with kids and grandkids and i feel like i am going crazy I need help really bad .

    Thank you

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 10, 2015 at 8:07 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 2-3 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Beth

    May 9, 2015 at 5:21 PM Reply

    help???!!!! im sort of :/ about this like im not sur did im trangendered like I’ve been thinking about it for about a year now and im only 14 but im sort of neutral and idk how I’m supposed to feel about it like I’m dfab but I feel like I would be happier being a gendered?? is there a difference between non binary and agendered as one of my friends is nb and idk what to say to them in case they think im faking it and im so scared

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 10, 2015 at 8:06 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 2-3 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Joe

    May 9, 2015 at 10:29 PM Reply

    Hello Dara, I have found your article helpful. I believe I am a 21 year old male at birth. I (and my girlfriend) have recently discovered I might be transgender. Since my childhood, everybody has pointed out how feminine I was. Like many others, this discovery has caused me great stress, shame, and embarrassment. I do not know why something so big about myself would cause me such things. I have a few questions and seeing how I live well below the poverty line you may very well be my only hope. I feel most comfortable dressing as a girl, wearing a full face of makeup, and with painted nails. However I feel depressed knowing I could never be an actual girl. There are many times I will undress as a women in tears because of this fact. No matter how much transitioning I go through could I ever actually feel happy? Speaking of depression, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was a young child. I’ve noticed dressing as a women helps ease it until What I previously stated happens. Also, I am uncertain if I am transgender, bi-gender, or genderfluid. I’m not sure if all the time I feel like a female, however more often than not I do. I do not go a day without expressing my feminine side. If I am transgender I know I will not be happy until I fully transition. I feel unnatural as a male dressing as a female. Only doing half of the transition I fear would cause me more mental trauma. As I said before, I love well below the poverty line. Seeing as to how I live in the USA I do not see myself climbing up the ladder of wealth anytime soon. Is there a way transitioning would ever be an option for me, or am I doomed to forever fight this mental battle because I was not born into wealth? I apology for my lengthy comment, I desperately seek further knowledge to ease my troubles mind. Thank you.

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 10, 2015 at 8:06 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 2-3 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Breanna

    May 18, 2015 at 1:27 AM Reply

    Hi, I’m 16 and was born female. I tried to talk to my mother about how I was feeling and she laughed it off. After I told her I might (I’m not 100% sure) be transgender she has made it a point to buy me makeup and new dresses each week. How do I get her to sit down, talk to me and stop trying to push me in clothing that doesn’t feel right? I need help, please.!

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 18, 2015 at 8:22 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 2-3 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

    • Ethan

      April 28, 2017 at 11:49 PM Reply

      Look I’m sorry I’m not who you wanted a response from but if you really want to get her to understand get a balloon that says its a boy, write a note and attach it to the balloon.
      I hope this could be of use to you

  • Benjamin

    May 26, 2015 at 8:29 PM Reply


    I have been a little girl from the inside when i was a small boy and till date i am missing the part of me and that is to be a fully grown beautiful women. I love staying at home, raising my nephews , dreaming of having a life boyfriend, missing the fact that if i was a women i would have been having a relationship. I love bright attractive colors, have a women’s personality , feminine . Am turning 38 now and am trying all sort of avenues to find a way out , my family understands me of being so feminine, my wish that one day i will get assistance of having myself change into a women . I would love to have addresses of people who can help me out.

  • Sam

    June 13, 2015 at 7:35 PM Reply

    I felt the same way as a kid and I feel like I’m transgender. I’m still exploring though.

  • Bea La Destellet

    June 16, 2015 at 5:20 AM Reply

    You say you want to be something so be it. You’re not comfortable with society’s gender roles so change them!
    Be the change you wish to see in the world 🙂
    There are tons of people who will respect you exactly for that.

    • Bea

      April 26, 2019 at 1:38 PM Reply

      Absolutely! I have a male body and present and express myself in a feminine way including clothes and make-up. Sometimes it’s annoying having a penis and if I could wave a wand and become fully female forever I would do it, but I personally don’t believe in mutilating my body through surgery. I epilate everything, take hormones, and would do laser hair removal if it’s an affordable option at some point but don’t want to go under the knife. For me personally, the most important thing is how I feel inside, and that I feel accepted for who I am inside by the people that are close to me.

  • Cara

    June 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM Reply

    I’ve suspected for a while that I might be transgender but I’m not sure. It’s been bugging me like crazy lately. Everything about being female has begun to irritate me. I haven’t told anyone about how I feel except hinting to my best friend a few months ago that I wish I had been born male. Is what I’m feeling normal?

  • leigh

    July 4, 2015 at 6:13 PM Reply

    I’m living as a female. Born that way but I can’t relate to girly things and always felt like I was in drag if I needed to wear a dress. Never ever did I want a penis but I am well endowed with a big heart and other attributes. I’m hoping that there are others like me that believe in a spectrum of sexual identity. I’m not male or female…just me.

  • Terryn Irvin

    July 16, 2015 at 12:25 AM Reply

    Hi I feel like a guy on the inside but i also feel like a girl I am a girl and I am 11 but I only like girl’s a little but mostly guys I like being a girl but I sometimes dress like guys because I am a tomboy,please tell me what gender I am I feel so bad

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      July 16, 2015 at 11:14 AM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 2-3 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Nadalee

    July 18, 2015 at 11:12 AM Reply

    Hey I think im trans gender are some kind of variation of trans because I get really jealous of how other girls look and i wish i looked like them constantly , i cant watch tv or movies or go in public with out it effecting me, i hate the way i look sometimes , because i don’t look like a girl and i wish i didn’t have to shave everywhere every Sunday. i like being called she and her it feels good to my heart and makes me happy and ive been going by Nadalee at work now and i like that name better than my male name , i really never felt a connection with my male name, and growing up i always loved girl clothes and and girl things, and when i wear makeup or girl clothes i feel more female and pretty and happy and it makes me happy when people used to mistake me for a female before i started presenting as one. and i still get happy when people think im a cis female . just a few things that trouble me still. when i wake up in the mornings i feel more like a male and i hate it, i don’t know if that’s because of hormones or what, but as i wake up more i start to feel more like a girl. and i love it when i look in the mirror in low light or a certain way and i kinda can see a girl face or girl body , i hate my thick upper body and i know even with HRT that wont go away 🙁 and that makes me sad, well i think that’s pretty much the gest of it :/ please can you give me some guidance because i know you can say im trans or not , but i need some kinda reply 🙂

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      July 18, 2015 at 3:54 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Larry

    July 30, 2015 at 9:02 PM Reply

    Thank you this help a lot. I’m just now excepting who I am. I’m transgender mtf. I wish I could have found this when I was younger but there was now Internet sad day and being told it not right your going to go to hell god don’t like you dressing up like a girl. I keep doing it my thinking is I bring the hot dogs when I get to hell. But now I’m merryed have to kids a wife geez. I’m thinking about coming out at the end of this yr but don’t know. I’m scared I’m going to hurt my kids and I don’t want to do that but I’m to the point I need to do something. I’m 38 stress is kicking my but. But anyway thanks agin

  • ashley madison

    August 21, 2015 at 7:15 AM Reply

    hey so i have been feeling transgender for the last couple years (before Caitlyn / oitnb <- because many people ask me that) but i am in my early 20s. is this normal? there were always signs but it just never felt uncomfortable until now 🙁

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      August 21, 2015 at 11:19 AM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Confusedandlost

    October 7, 2015 at 2:44 PM Reply

    I’ve started to question my gender recently and I’m not sure what I am. I asked myself similar questions and all I could come up with was “I don’t actually feel like a gender at all” so I tried using ‘agender’ and for about 3 days it fit fine. I already told a friend, but now I’m questioning if that’s the right way to go. I don’t feel like a specific gender but when my other friends use female pronouns it started feeling wrong. My own name bugged me a little. I wasn’t comfortable with those pronouns at all and the idea of being called an “it” or “a girl” bugs me. I’ve looked back to when I was younger and for about a year or so I started wanting male body parts but pushed it aside as nothing important for a long time. I couldn’t see myself as a boy then but did at the same time, if that makes sense? Any advice?

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      October 8, 2015 at 5:59 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Ciara

    October 13, 2015 at 3:41 AM Reply

    I started to question my gender too about 2 years ago after watching therealalexbertie on YouTube. After watching him, I wondered what it would be like to be a boy but I’ve sorted always wondered is more than other people (I think.) Following this, I cut my hair short but made it feminine as I don’t like it when people mistake me as a boy. I used to wear very masculine clothes but every time someone called me a boy I would get upset and embarrassed even though I would like to know what it’s like. So I started wearing more feminine clothes which I like doing but not too girly e.g. I don’t wear dresses , I just wear feminine jumpers. However, I would like to resort back to wearing masculine clothes as well as I feel comfy and “safe” in them even though I am always self conscious in doing so. Also, when ever I shop online , I browse through the ladies clothes (btw in nearly 16)and find clothes I like which aren’t too feminine but then I browse the mean section and like all of the clothes there. I think to myself I would look so good as a boy. Having wondered what it would be like to be a boy, I asked my sister “Can we dress up both as boys to see what we would look like?”, so we did and I think I thought I looked good. I play football for a girls team and love it and don’t want to play with the boys as they are too strong. My sister used to think I was a lesbian but I would get angry every time she said it so she doesn’t anymore. I just don’t know if I’m transgender FTM or masculineish bisexual :/ please help Thanks

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      October 23, 2015 at 10:33 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  • Leif

    October 26, 2015 at 7:11 AM Reply

    Hello Dara,
    I feel very much i am transgender as a child i would fight my moms wish to get my hair cut as a very young child.. Even as a young child i had times of depression now that i look back on my early childhood…I am a male but don’t like being considered a male don’t like being called bro,dude,or,he living as a gay man….I don’t like having facial hair shave it as much as i can as i dislike it an really don’t like the feeling of it…I don’t love myself i don’t like being a guy i am also suicidal at times i cry a lot when i am depressed and sad… Also have taken my cousins cloths an put them on as a teen to see what it was like wearing girls cloths in the past…Am very afraid to come out to my family as have trust issues an am scared of what may come if they don’t agree with me…I am 23 going on 24 not happy at all being labeled a boy or man an have grown up having more female friends than male… can however relate with them far better an played barbies with my childhood girlfriends as a child not worrying about the consequences…. as having tried an held a job in the work force an not liked working for myself i wish for to be someones queen an adopt kids an raise them kids an be a mommy…Also got very sick with a horrible virus last year that either caused me joint pain or either have fibromyalgia as joint pain and fibromyalgia are basically the same thing

  • paal

    November 5, 2015 at 4:13 PM Reply

    hi, I’m a 15 y/o boy who’s been struggling with this for a couple of months now. I’ve identified as gay for awhile now, but recently it feels like it’s flip-flopped. when I think of a relationship with a guy, or some times a girl, I feel like I want to be a girl more than a guy. I am however, totally fine with my gender identity outside of a relationship (I feel like a guy in my day-to-day life, but like a girl when I imagine being in a relationship). I don’t know if I’m trans or even remotely trans in this way. I know this may be a weird case, (and possibly not even a trans problem) but I was hoping someone here may have some insight.

  • […] pronouns? Besides your body hair is there any other part of your body you are uncomfortable with? Ask a Gender Therapist: How Do I Know If I'm Transgender? – Dara Hoffman-Fox When I started first questioning this was a helpful article for me and maybe it will be for you as […]

  • ...

    November 10, 2015 at 11:43 PM Reply

    Hi, I’m kind of confused… I think I am transgender (ftm) but even after watching this video I’m not sure…
    I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of years now..feeling like I want to be a man..the problem is that my perso ality isn’t all that masculine and people I’ve told this say that It doesn’t fit me… I am uncomfortable wearing girls clothing, doing girl stuff, I hate my body (the fact that I have girl parts disgusts me) and also maybe being called with a feminin pronoun. My family is putting that on the count that I am very shy and introverted but how can I know if they’re right ? I ask a therapist but they weren’t sure either… I don’t have enough money to see a gender therapist..what should I do ?

  • Moon River

    November 15, 2015 at 2:22 AM Reply

    I have no idea how to explain without creating a misunderstanding. I’ve had problems with socializing since before I could remember. I think I know who I am, ftm… What I need help is with my family. We are non religious for the most part, I’m not worried about that. What worries me is the atmosphere coming out could possibly create. I’ve already come out to my mom, she has been supportive for the most part. I am more worried about coming out to the rest of the family. We usually have a hard time getting along. Shoving several people with the same mental problems into a single house can do that… I’m living with my dad and my younger brother right now. Growing up, I’ve sorta came to expect that the situations we were in could only get worse, or that any improvements were temporary, or not as good as I had first thought. What I’m asking is for some advice on how not to lose hope, or give up. That has become the norm for me recently.Also, some advice on how to ease the awkwardness of coming out wouldn’t hurt me… You know?

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      December 4, 2015 at 2:29 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. 🙂

  • Leif

    December 4, 2015 at 3:56 PM Reply

    Came out MTF last month feel like my mother is confused with me coming out don’t know what to do was so happy my mother and sister and cousin accepted me for who i am although that spark of happiness didn’t last long.. I have been in a state of depression and sadness since not getting the results from family i thought i would get please help me…. I have been in the mental hospital for this before… Could you give me some tips please???

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      December 17, 2015 at 5:11 PM Reply

      Go ahead and send me a message through the CONTACT ME page on this website.

      Due to the heavy volume of emails I receive I am limited to the amount of personalized help I can offer. I do try to answer all of them in some fashion, usually within 3-4 weeks. 🙂

  • david

    December 6, 2015 at 8:41 PM Reply

    This article was very helpful to me. It helped me to better understand myself. I still have questions though as I have allways felt more comfortable around females and talking to them including using the female restroom at school. I am 31 years old and I have had this feeling going back to when I was a teenager.

  • Kayden

    January 7, 2016 at 7:28 PM Reply

    That exact same thing is what I’m going through right now and I found myself looking at several of these articles.

  • david

    January 17, 2016 at 12:18 PM Reply

    I thought about it more and going back to the age of 12 years old I was wishing and wanting to have boobs and that was twenty years ago now. I can remember a specific experience back in elementary school and thinking that. That feeling has not gone away.

  • […] Ask a Gender Therapist: How Do I Know If I’m Transgender? […]

  • Fly

    January 26, 2016 at 4:25 PM Reply

    I don’t know what gender I am, I’m comfortable in my body, but I’ve always been a ‘tomboy’, I used to wear clothes from the boy section and sometimes pretended I was a boy (to other people), I still have a similar character to when I was younger and I like both typically ‘boy stuff’ and ‘girl stuff’ (baking, knitting mostly) I also don’t like typically girl stuff, like weddings and loads of romance, I now wear girlier clothes, I like wearing skirts alot, but in black, and my cothes aren’t particularly feminine. I don’t think I’m male, but I also don’t feel like I fit in as a girl, with other girls, so I was wondering what am I, and if it matters, if I’m comfortable in myself, and if I be myself, without knowing fully what gender I am, would it matter if I wasn’t gender binary. Also I was wondering if what gender I was would affect my sexuality or vice versa?

  • Kim

    February 8, 2016 at 9:05 PM Reply

    I am 14 right now and I think I am ftm transgender. Whenever people say “she” when talking about me I don’t like it. Whenever I go to the hairdresser, my hair doesn’t seem short enough. I don’t consider myself a girl and I always think of myself as a boy but I’m not sure I can talk to anyone about it. Even though the people I would tell are people I trust, I feel like they wouldn’t believe me. I’m not sure if I should act on these feelings or just ignore them. I don’t want my parents to reject the fact that I identify as a boy, but is it still worth it to tell them? Sorry if that was all over the place but my feelings are kind of jumbled and confused.

  • Brooke

    March 1, 2016 at 8:34 PM Reply

    I have felt like a male ever since last year (I’m in eighth grade now) but I don’t feel like I’m 100% trans. I don’t feel female, but I don’t feel male although I would rather be male than female. Is this just because of puberty and hormones and because I’m still young and my body is still growing /changing, or am I transgender. I feel as if this is just a phase, but I don’t want it to be. I already asked my parents for a binder once but they pushed it away saying I’m too young to decide. I don’t know what to do. I’ve become so helpless that I’m asking random peopleon the iInternet. What do I do? Am I transgender ftm or it this just a phase?

  • Scott (Erica)

    March 9, 2016 at 8:33 AM Reply

    I am a 46 y/o genetic male but since the age of six I remember looking in the J.C Penny’s catalogs and staring at the girls toys and clothes dreaming of what it would be like to have those kinds of things ,but always bottling up those emotions and trying to deny my true self , as I thought it made me gay or some kind of a deviant always causing me deep sorrow and depression.I forced myself to live as a straight man in straight relationships being married three times and having 3 kids and now even have three grandsons all the while having this secret that I revealed to no one living in constant agony.
    A few years ago I had the fortunate luck to work with a transsexual woman who has transitioned completely and she has befriended me and urged me to seek the help of a gender therapist and it has been the most liberating and joyfull experience of my life I have learned to acknowledge the girl/woman inside of me that I have repressed for so long and I absolutely love her (me):)
    Please don’t think this has all been easy ,it hasn’t I have faced some rejection and phobic attitudes especially with some of my family,but for every loss I have also had a gain and as far as most trans people go I have been blessed!!!! My 3rd wife to my surprise has been most supportive and has stuck by my side and loves me for who I am I know there is a long road ahead as I transition but I am determined to face it with all of the newfound grace and love I have found in my true oneself. I urge all to seek the help of a counselor to help you find your try path it is a long and sometimes argueus road but at the end it is so much I wish all here who read this the best on your journey to meet your true self.

  • scott(Erica)

    March 9, 2016 at 10:31 AM Reply

    I would like to add to my prior post that I urge all of you to seek out a counselor who can help you find your true self and help you to embrace who you really are because some of you guys have that little girl inside and some of you girls have that little boy inside and which ever you are those inner children need to be embraced loved and nurtured and given a name because that is who you really are. I wish all here luck and best wishes in there journey !!!! Erica????

  • scott(Erica)

    March 9, 2016 at 10:48 AM Reply

    Brooke I would have to say you need to see a counselor who can help you find your true self .From my perspective I think you probably are transgender and need to find some support and guidance As far as your parents go and from a parents perspective I hate to say this but they are wrong. This is not a choice you are making it is as engrained in you as much as your skin,hair,or eye color please take it from someone who tried to live that lie for over 40 years get help because it only gets Harder if you don’t.
    So give that little boy inside you all the love he deserves and take good care of him because he is you and you deserve it.
    Big Hugs and best of luck Erica

  • kayla

    March 12, 2016 at 12:31 PM Reply

    Hi i am kayla and i am 13 i feel like i am transgender to a ftm because i don’t like a lot of girl stuff and i never liked make up i love guy clothes and guy stuff i never liked to be girly i love to be a tomboy

  • Ade

    March 20, 2016 at 10:41 PM Reply

    Hi I’m 13…and last year,I came to the conclusion that I was genderfluid. But more recently I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be a girl….I’m not sure if this is me wanting to be a boy completely-or me just wanting to go with how I feel as genderfluid- I’m confused about if I’m transgender or just genderfluid…I don’t know I’ve told my best Friend and he just told me to be myself- but that’s the thing I’m not sure what is myself….I’m really starting to believe that I’m transgender (ftm) but I’m not sure what to do

  • John

    April 3, 2016 at 10:32 PM Reply

    Can someone please help me on something? Ever since I was around 7 or 8 I wanted to be a girl, and I even told a teacher I wanted to wear a dress. It’s been on and off since I sort of forgot about it, but now that I’m in my teen years, and I learned about transgenders I’ve been starting to become more and more confused. I don’t really feel comfortable with my gender considering all the stuff that society places on you for being a guy. Such as having to be like the toughest or into sports. I feel like my body just doesn’t match with my gender at all either. Lastly, I just feel like my life would be better in general if I was a girl, I’d love to wear the outfits, and have long hair. I don’t occasionally have problems with people calling me ” he ” but I would prefer she.

  • Brian R.

    April 17, 2016 at 11:40 AM Reply

    Can someone be comfortable with their body as they were born and think like the opposite sex without being trans? I am a gay guy and I absolutely love being a guy and having a male body, however I can think like both genders and appreciate aspects of both but I prefer my feminine mental thought processes more than masculine(which isn’t much) but I don’t want to transition. If anything I want to get testosterone to improve the male qualities I should have. I have a feminine figure and a high pitched voice but I don’t want to transition into female. Is this normal or am I just a weirdo?

  • Alex Wilson

    April 21, 2016 at 10:53 PM Reply

    I have issues with placing how I feel about my gender and sex.. since puberty I’ve often wished I had a male body, and I was more masculine as a child but I don’t mind dressing up, I just never felt like they fit the body I’m in and I don’t really know what to think.

  • Susan Johnson

    April 24, 2016 at 6:52 AM Reply

    Great article, I wish I had the resources years of go IE internet to explore why I was feeling the way I was, I am now in my 50s and very comfortable with my lifestyle, I am retired and pretty much live my day to day as a female.

  • Hailey lopez

    April 27, 2016 at 8:01 AM Reply

    Hi I’m 14 and I want to be ftm but I can’t change till I’m 18 and right now its hard cause I have a women body but Im not comfortable in it and its like gender dysphoria but I was hoping that some one would like to talk about it with me cause that would help a lot u can Kik me or email me Kik is lopezhailey

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      April 29, 2016 at 10:22 AM Reply

      Hailey, I suggest you reach out to Ally Moms: This is a group of moms from across the world who all have transgender children, and they are available to offer love and understanding, to answer questions, or to just have a friendly conversation.

      Take care hon!

  • Mike

    May 3, 2016 at 4:33 PM Reply

    Hi, I’m a 38 male and have felt for a long time now that I am a transgender. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always felt and wanted to be different. I’ve never felt like I was suppose to be a man and I’ve always done things that were always more girly. I believe the first time I started feeling this way was when I was about 8 or 9. I’ve always liked pretty clothes and pretty underwear and I always would try stuff on. I had times where I stopped being this way, at least trying things on, but I would always come back to it, feeling that it was who I truly was. In the last 8 years, I’ve really felt strongly about these feelings and the more time goes on, the more I feel like I should of been born a woman. I always picture myself as a woman and how it would feel to finally be who I was meant to be. The one problem I have is, I don’t have anyone I can come out to. My family would never understand, I don’t have friends like that either. And it makes me feel so miserable knowing I have to keep who I really am to myself. I guess that’s why I came here after finding this site, so I could just get this out to someone. I hope someday I can find someone who I can confide in and tell them to this in person. It would take such a load off my shoulders.

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 3, 2016 at 6:09 PM Reply

      Hi – check out this article, I wrote it for others who have struggled with this same issue!

      • Mike

        July 15, 2016 at 10:26 PM Reply

        Hi, just wanted to check in and say that I’m so very close to coming out, at least to my mom. The other day we were talking about what makes us up as who we are and I said to her, “One thing that I’ve known that makes up who I am is that I know I am different from what society expects from what a male is suppose to be, I mean, how many guys do you know like The Little Mermaid”

        It’s a start at least and I hope to take the next step that will put me where I want to be.

  • Charles Edgar Wolfe

    May 4, 2016 at 4:36 PM Reply

    Kid. I know how ya feel. No, really, I do! Just mess around a bit. Try to see how you think of being called “man” or “bro” etc. But words are just words after all.

  • Hope Guerra

    May 8, 2016 at 12:05 PM Reply

    I was born a female but since I can remember I always felt male. It might be the way my dad raised me, my mom used to call me a huge tom-boy. My parents let me know about things at an early age, so when I was around 5, I was already questioning my sexuality and gender. Now that I’m 16, I am bisexual and genderfluid, my girlfriend help me figure out that I’m genderfluid. But I’m thinking about it more and more and I’m seriously considering that I am fully the wrong gender. That I would like to fully become a boy. I just want to figure out who I am.

  • Steven

    May 15, 2016 at 12:06 AM Reply

    Hello, I’m a 13 year old male-by-birth, and I think I’m most likely transgender, and plan on coming out about this to my parents once the school year ends. However, I am unsure if this is the right thing to do, because my mom is christian, but doesn’t seem very religious, whereas my father is extremely Buddhist and would most likely have problems with this. Should I have a backup plan if things don’t go well? Should I even tell my parents about probably this? Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply.

  • A hopeless teen

    May 16, 2016 at 11:24 PM Reply

    I’m 13 and have always felt odd. When I was younger, I never had the words to describe my feelings, but I knew I was different. I went through a two year phase of depression when I was seven, in which I was suicidal, but never had the courage to kill myself. I thought of myself as a freak, a monster, or a shadow; as I grew older, my sensitivity to my emotions and feelings faded away to deal with my depression, my hate, and my fear. Later, when I met a FtM transgender, I considered that I might be a transgender person, but pocketed that question out of fear of what my relatives might think. Only this year did I start to think that I’m probably transgender, and it kills me inside not being sure. I always fought against every haircut I got, never understood how guys were okay about being so harsh or mean, and related much more to my grandmother, aunt, and mother than their male partners, and I always acted more like a girl when I look back at my past. I fantasize about being a girl all the time, and feel more comfortable being called a she. Whenever my friends say I’m a girl, I get embarrassed because it’s true, but it’s something that most people in my life frown upon. I wish someone would tell me what I am, but until I am sure, I won’t tell my parents or ask them to let me see a gender therapist. This place is my last hope. Please help me.

  • Kasey

    May 24, 2016 at 9:55 PM Reply

    Thank you. I wasn’t sure at first but you made me realize my self for who I really am. I just wanted to thank you for this.

  • chris palmeri

    June 2, 2016 at 12:52 AM Reply

    ive been on and off for a while now. just a few years ago i had a really strange experience of loosing my identity. i was under allot of stress and preasure till one day i just snapped. i went through allot of emotional and mental anguishes, started to take up cbt therapy for bipolar boarderline personality, got well, continued to practice buddhism and meditation, felt as though i was lifted into the clouds, and very much at peace with myself and surroundings, then felt like i was thrown back into a world of pain and anguish, but this time having no clue who i was, or am. been feeling a disconnect from my mind and body and came to the conclusion that im female traped in a male body, but as i write, as i attept to figure this out, im still so unsure. i feel as i always have a target on my back because i sort of kind of came out as trans. what is confusing is that before all of those other experiences, i felt like a typical male, just more on the fem side. i identified myself with my entire upbringing, but for a short time desided i was going to transition cause i had always wanted to be female, but now with this actual dysphoria, where i absolutly can not tell who im looking at in the miror, idk. i feel like a major target as im sure many other trans folk do. the entire ender war scares me, as i see it effecting everyone alike, trans, gay, straight, cis. i keep feeling as though sometimes i feel more fem, while others more masculin, especially when i feel threatened, or in danger, i feel as though the male fight or flight sinks in the most, but when not experiencing that or frightened at times, i feel the disconnect to my body, trying to figure out that if i transition, what kind of female would i be? the whole darn issue is confusing and scary. i feel as i can’t live, or am not suppose to live. trying to understand if i can succsessfully transition, and somewhat live my life normally as i did prior, only this time as a female rather than male. it is very difficult to know who is on my side anymore, if others will protect and accept me. i feel like im in danger because i hold very radical views on gender all together. i feel so alone even though i know im not, its just a constant having to hide and dodge others, lie to my family even though ive come out. i feel so unballanced and on the verge of suicide, paranoid about so many things. trying to get back out in the world, and transition all at once. at the moment im not working and recieving disability, my fam helps, knows how i feel, but also desires for me to keep hush, and i know they have good reason to. idk, i feel weak and afraid someone might not like some things i have to say, or do. i just want to get back to a normal life, but its hard when your very support has no clue how to support you, and also tries to silence you. its litteral hell. its hard knowing what i want anymore, or who im going to be. so far ive only dressed at home. its like having to readjust myself to a completly dif world. i wish i could just be who i was at times, but idk. i feel allot differently now about allot of stuff. i feel isolated in a cis run world, wanting to get along with the people i use to, but not knowing how. i suppose in the moment i can’t identify with anyone or anything at all. i just feel lost and without any identity anymore. i cant remember how i use to feel when i identified as male wanting to be female. now its been identifying as female wanting to be female, with moments of that im male wanting to be female. those are moments when i read about trans woman, i feel as though i am the male who is the freak because he wants to be she, but i dont actually feel like a he. just a she with male parts, but so many continue to rape me with the wrong pronouns, so i feel stuck having to defend myself from the improper pronouns on how im not a freak, im not a pedofile, a pervert that is going to rape woman. all i want is to feel as though i can fully adjust into womanhood without all the name calling, blaming, shaming, improper terms adressed to myself. i want to be able to drop any maleness that might be lingering, as in ocationally pulling myself into the victimised male for desiring to be female, which im not. im female desiring to be female. i feel further shame or confusion cause i myself like woman as well. its difficult cause i feel isolated from both groups of gender at times, cause quite frankly not everyone gets it or wants to get it, or respect it. i feel at times that they dont even realise how trapped they are themselves in the gender game. where they not only vicimise trans folk, but even victimise themselves even, both cis male and female. woman are weak and men are predetors. sry for that rant, i needed to let out allot, and didnt know where to go.

  • (I feel unsafe saying my name so I'll say:) Riley

    June 5, 2016 at 9:27 AM Reply

    While watching this, I started to cry, I asked my mom, and she just ignores it, she’s not rude but.. I feel like it, I make more friends with girls, and I’m pretty sure I’m MTF, here’s what I feel:
    Sad / Uncomfortable through 2nd-5th grade.
    Dreaming of being a girl.
    Female things like drawing swimming and reading.
    I can’t handle the sadness running throughout me, its TO MUCH

  • Taylor

    June 10, 2016 at 6:25 AM Reply

    I’ve been questioning my gender lately but I don’t know how much. I am (currently) female but question if being male would lessen the ache in my chest. I don’t want to… fully transition, maybe breast removal but I’m not sure. I think people will say I’m not a boy if I don’t change any sex characteristics.

  • Em

    July 4, 2016 at 9:29 PM Reply

    I feel like i am transgender because my physical body is a female but i feel mentally as a male i started noticing a difference between how a female and a male are through puberty and i have some a both e.x Pubic Hair and Voice are a lot different simce a couple years ago i am eleven and i havent mentioned it to my mom because she wont do anything i will go in for metic care when i am older but j need help

  • DewLover1424

    July 23, 2016 at 12:47 PM Reply

    Hi I am 13 and ever since I was 10 and hit puberty I’ve always wanted to be a girl and wear their clothes but because my family is Christian I’ve never revealed it but to my sister who one day caught me wearing her chlothes and after I explained she promised not to tell even if it cost her everything. I started taking tests to see if I was transgender and only 1 out of 30 said I was while 20 said I was Asexual. So is this the same thing. And even though I have wondered about it I don’t want to be transgender. I like being a male who likes female’s. What would you recommend for me.

  • kevin lara

    July 26, 2016 at 9:32 AM Reply

    I’ve always wanted to be a girl but was to scared of my family and the people around me saying I am not a girl and that I’m just fishing for attention, not accepting me

  • I hate my name

    July 30, 2016 at 11:29 PM Reply

    Ok so I have the same problem as many of you people here; I think I might be transgender. I’m just not sure, and that fact Is killing me. I started to feel like this from the beginning of puberty. I started to hate being called a girl, and being called she and her. I hate the fact that I have to act a certain way, or dress a certain way, or like certain things in order to be accepted by everyone. I didn’t want to put on make-up, have long hair, or wear dresses. I started wanting to be seen as a boy. But it seems… Strange. I’m growing up in a VERY religious home and yet I still have these thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I know very well that all but (maybe) my mom will accept me for who I truly am and it makes my hate myself. I don’t want my family to hate me, so I’m really scared to tell anyone but my mom. And my mother isn’t exactly ok with it either. I had confronted her in a mass of tears a couple of weeks ago but she told me I’m wrong and that its not ok to feel this way. And Today she yelled at me because I didn’t like any of the girls’ clothes. I just….. Don’t know what to do anymore. I’m too young to do anything about it now(I’m only 12), but I don’t want to suffer for six more painful years. I just want to be me. Please help

  • Greg Rayne

    August 11, 2016 at 12:11 AM Reply

    Ok so I just turned 22 this year and for some reason something finally clicked that lead me to my belief in there being a strong possibility of me being transgender, I believe it was when my parents decided to get a divorce. My current Dad is a very much cradle Catholic and is very much against anything to do with LGBT. This is the reason I believe I subconsciously hide all the signs that I could be transgender from myself because I didn’t want to anger him. Now that my parents are no longer together everything seems to be clicking into place for me now all the signs that I blocked out are now showing themselves. Its still a very hard position for me to be in right now just now opening my eyes to this fact whih everything falling down around me. I have spent 8 monthes trying to do my research and leave no stone unturned so I know that I am for a fact transgender. I know what I feel and everything I have researched point in the same direction but still I continue to push forward trying to make sure I don’t make a decision I regret later. If anyone has had the same experience or can help me out please comment its been way to long for me to be struggling with this now.

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      August 11, 2016 at 11:49 AM Reply

      Glad you are beginning to make sense of things for yourself – you are so right that the root problem is how you end up having to repress the truth about this from a very early age, and it takes a while to bring it out into the light. Honestly I think my book could be of real use, its YOU AND YOUR GENDER IDENTITY: A GUIDE TO DISCOVERY. I wrote it with folks like you in mind to help with the place you are at on your journey.

      If you subscribe to my newsletter (at the top of this page) you will get a $10 off coupon for the book!

  • Emma Sweet

    August 17, 2016 at 10:20 PM Reply

    Dear Dara,

    Wow, so many comments! You’ve really struck a nerve. It’s wonderful to me to see so many who are also going through this. It’s good to be part of a community.

    I loved your video, really. Your sincerity and caring and wisdom really shines. Thank you so much for doing these. It helps me a lot to watch and listen to you.

    I do feel at times that you, like others, tend to conflate that if we are transgender then the next step is to transition. Maybe I’m hoping that I don’t need to, that’s hard to know for sure. So maybe it’s a given? I don’t think so if only because we define transgender as an umbrella for a spectrum of gender identities. I just think it’s important that we recognize that it’s quite possible (likely?) that if one is trans that they do not need to transition. At least, let’s leave the door open to that.

    Anyway, thanks again. You’re terrific and I am so grateful to you.


    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      August 19, 2016 at 1:41 PM Reply

      I think your comment is justified – I originally made that video over two years ago and have learned so much since then. Including that I myself am non-binary and do not consider myself to be transgender, nor will I “transition.” Good observation indeed. 🙂

      • Emma Sweet

        August 19, 2016 at 9:26 PM Reply

        I don’t mean to sharpen the pencil point too fine but I think the words are important. You wrote, “…I myself am non-binary and do not consider myself to be transgender…”

        So, are you saying that to be “non-binary” is to not be “transgender?” From what I’ve read, “transgender” includes everyone under the gender dysphoria and/or gender nonconforming umbrella.

        I, for one, consider myself to be transgender (because of the umbrella definition) but, like you, non-transitioning. If that means I’m non-binary (and I imagine it does!) I’m cool with that.

        Again, I don’t mean to be picky here. It’s just that I feel that we need to try to be consistent in our vocabulary.

        • Dara Hoffman-Fox

          August 24, 2016 at 7:32 AM Reply

          It’s a great question, I explored it more in depth in this article:

          I cater my answers to whichever audience I am speaking to. In an effort to not confuse those who are “new” to understanding this, if asked if I am transgender, I would say to them that I can see why they would think that (in the umbrella sense) but also explain why it’s okay that I do not self-define as being transgender. When speaking with those who are more experienced in the topic, I say that I am non-binary but also do not identify as transgender.

  • Luc

    August 20, 2016 at 10:19 AM Reply

    Hi Dara since 2013 I havent really felt like I fit my gender and now that im 31 that hasnt changed much I love him/pronouns but am unsure make the best male as I can get pretty emotional crying at the drop of a hat and especially during when I have my period and it makes me doubt myself I dont know what a male is mentally suposed feel like. I dont recall any issues with my gender during or after puperty (only that I decided from a young age I never want children) its only from 2013 that I started feeling not aligned with my current gender and started wearing gender generic clothing that covers most of my body And using male pronouns when before it never bothered me, can gender dysphoria develope as you get older?

  • Hannah/Aaron

    August 23, 2016 at 8:15 AM Reply

    I’ve been dealing with this debate in my head for maybe 5 years now. I’m 20 now.. I’m not like a lot of people who have known since puberty or since they were a child.. Maybe because I didn’t know what it was fully or i didn’t let myself see that was how i was feeling? I think I’m gender fluid in a way because I enjoy being a girl and all the girly things that come with it. But more and more i realize i really wish i didn’t have this body. .that i had a males body. But nothing hyper masculine because like i said i do enjoy being feminine.. Which i never see anyone talk about. ftm that still wants to be feminine? So it makes me wonder if it’s a normal feeling.. I wouldn’t want to transition unless i could get both surgeries which i have gathered not many people do, i assume because of the price. I think the more i let myself see it the more i realize i really do wish i had a male body but i still like being feminine.. I’ve been online with a few friends who have always addressed me as male and I feel crazy comfortable with it.. but it’s not like i feel extremely uncomfortable with female pronouns in my day to day life.. Is it possible I’m gender fluid trans ftm? I wish it was easier to tell what would be the right option for me.. stay as i am and always have that part of me that wishes it was real or change and just be gender bending and deal with what comes with it.. it would be easier if i was the complete opposite of feminine.. it would make more sense.. it would be easier to explain.. And if i did decide to change.. would a gender therapist think i am male enough to transition? would anyone think i was?

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      August 24, 2016 at 8:50 AM Reply

      These are important questions to be asking yourself, and I admire how you are not rushing yourself into anything. I think my book could be of use to you actually, you can learn more about it at I created it specifically for folks like you who aren’t able or ready to see a gender therapist and would like to do some exploration prior to doing that. 🙂

  • Mereth

    September 3, 2016 at 7:48 PM Reply

    Hiya! My name is- Not important, simply because I am trying to figure out what it is.
    I am currently 17 years old, and am biologically a male. However, the topic of being trans is something that I have had in my mind for around a year now.
    Story time!
    Ever since I was a little kid, I have always enjoyed things considered both masculine and feminine. For example, I have always LOVED watching Project Runway, and because of this I have always known about fashion, how to properly dress myself, and what earrings go with what type of garment. However, I never thought about being a woman until one fateful day. I myself enjoy roleplaying, and I enjoy it way too much, but there was something that always bugged me. I never felt right roleplaying a male character. It just felt icky. So on a whim one day, I tried roleplaying a girl. And holy crimany- It fit perfectly. It just felt right, amazing, wonderful, and I did it for years. Of course, I never was able to put 2 and 2 together until recently. I did feel very feminine, but when the thought of being trans crossed my mind, I tried to ignore it. Why? Because I always hear people complaining about this all being nothing more than a fad, and it disheartened me from really thinking I could be trans. At one point my mom said the same thing. Now, flash forward, when I seriously start considering this. Could I be trans? Or is this just me trying to do something different? I told a few of my online best friends, 2 of them being transgirls themselves, to try and figure it out for myself. Sadly, they were not much help, but I was able to finally talk to peeps about this. But I still am doubting myself. I keep thinking that one day I’m gonna regret thinking about this, or even if I do come out that one day I will hate myself for it. But, after all that, I finally told my real life best friend the other day, and it felt good. To finally tell someone I knew in real life. But still, even after all this- I can’t figure it out. It’s stressing me out daily, causing me to fall behind in college work, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to think anymore.

  • Emily

    September 24, 2016 at 6:53 AM Reply

    As I grew up (long before the internet) I was taught that boys are boys and girls are girls, sugar and spice and all that stuff. I have had my desires since I can’t remember when, my earliest memories are getting into trouble for playing with dolls, for putting on some type feminine attire and for acting like a girl. I learnt, socially conditioned if you like, that boys and girls go together naturally – this I have unlearnt.

    Myself, I am totally confused and I am uncertain of how I feel or even where I fit.

    I have always put in place strategies to control my feminine desires to the extent that I consciously make sure I act manly when in social situations. I have taken on roles that were seen as being male orientated – not that a female could do just as good a job or better. Even when young and on the town with ‘the boys’ we would be checking out the talent (i.e. girls), however my mind was always looking at what she wearing with what and not really looking at her from a sexual perspective. To ensure I was attracted to the ‘right’ sexual partner I have always referred to myself as a lesbian.

    Although my desire to be and act feminine has surfaced regularly throughout my life, I have always been able to put in place strategies to take back control. However, the strategies, some as explained above, were no longer working and on a daily basis I was consistently thinking and desiring to be female. I put in place a strategy were I would take a two week break and go far away and live publicly as a female, but the time between taking the break and stopping the thoughts and feelings is shortening. I even feel depressed has when my break comes to an end and I have to return to my accepted gender.

    When I can I now dress feminine as soon as I get home from work or on week-end and yes I do feel a sense of relief. However, I am fast reaching a point where I do not know what to do and I am struggling daily to maintain normality.

    I would appreciate any advice you have to help me overcome my distress.

    Thank you.

  • Kerry

    October 5, 2016 at 2:00 PM Reply

    Overall since I was a child I have always felt more boy-ish than girl. Ive worn all boys clothing all my life till I turned a teenager. I do not mind the pro nouns she and her. However Ive always thought I would feel better if I was a boy .Since I was a six or seven maybe is when I first thought that I would like to be a boy. It would be easier and I would just enjoy it in general. Infact Ive been called a boy before and I didnt mind it. In the last few week however these realisations have come to me quickly that I might be having an identity crisis. But I dont know really. They say that when people want to change genders it comes at a very early age that they are unhappy with themselves and would prefer to be the other sex, or non at all. But it was only in the last week that Ive felt the need to come to terms with the fact that I would just feel better as a boy. Its not that I am upset with being a girl. I dont mind it! When people call me by the appropriatte pro nouns I dont mind that either. Its just… When I picture myself as a person I think of myself as boy. Ive been in a non serious relationship for the past couple of months with a nice boy who Ive known since I was very little but I feel like I am betraying him as I feel he would be angry if I told him I wanted to leave him to become a boy. It feels almost like a burden to carry. Its constantly popping up in my head. Wondering who I actually am. Anyway… In our relationship we kiss and cuddle and stuff like that. But when I think of ever going any further, not that I would, I think of myself as the boy in the relationship. I can picture everything happening but me as a boy! It feels so weird to finally say it. Its been like this since a kid. Ive never had a problem with my gender really, Im not severly unhappy with it but I think I just want to be a boy more than I do girl. I know that Id be very happy if everyone talked about me as “he, him, ect” I want to get my hair cut short and to see a doctor about it and just look like a proper boy. But Im unsure of how to tell my family and what to say to my friends. I dont know if they will understand. And I dont even know if this is just a phase during adolescense.

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      October 8, 2016 at 5:04 PM Reply

      Kerry – Be sure to look at a few resources that I have created that should be able to help you along the way.

      Is it Okay I Haven’t Known I was Trans “Since I was little”?

      Help with coming out:


      Best of luck…

      • Mack Larson

        December 11, 2016 at 6:22 PM Reply

        I’m a newly 13 year old girl and I’ve felt same ever since I was 10 I’ve been hanging out with more boys and I’ve been riding skateboards also when ever my older brother leaves the house I wear his clothes, I love wearing make up but I like pickup trucks and old ragged boy clothes like sweat pants and dark colors (not emo) I even go crazy if people call me by my real name, Mackenzie I only wanna be Mack, my friends ask me why and I reply with “Because it’s a boys name and Mackenzie is to girly” then they will state that I am a girl but after I cry, I feel like that’s not enough for me to be transgender or it is but I just can’t tell my parents or they will be upset.

  • […] think about their gender like trans people do.” An example from a gender therapist is here. Other examples are […]

  • Công ty cung cấp trái cây sấy

    November 8, 2016 at 7:47 PM Reply

    Appreciating the hard work you put into your site and in depth information you offer.
    It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same outdated rehashed information. Fantastic read!
    I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  • Ava

    November 20, 2016 at 2:41 AM Reply

    I think I might be FtM.
    There are so many replies on here so I may not get seen, but having read through examples that do relate to me slightly, but I am no closer to figuring myself out, so I thought I may as well ask.
    I have always been a tomboy. I am 12 now and have short hair, dress in nothing but “boys’ clothes” and am often mistaken for a male. I feel anxious going into the toilets for fear I might be stared at, and when it is busy I sometimes go into the male loo just to avoid stares. I have just started puberty and I feel uncomfortable with the way my body is developing, but looking and other people’s posts I do not want to self harm, I don’t feel depressed, and so I am unsure if I am dysphoric. I like he/him pronouns and I am testing them for a bit with my 2 best friends and online, but whenever I see them I don’t feel they apply to me. They/them pronouns don’t suit me but she/her just feels… Meh. I’m not happy in my body in that I hate the way it’s changing, but I don’t feel dysphoric to the extent that I have seen others online. I have come to the conclusion that I am lesbian as I have a huge crush on one of my friends, but I’m actually starting to wonder if I’m straight but trans. I have told my parents I am gay but questioning my gender and they have been very supportive, my mum even offering to put me on a waiting list for a gender clinic in London (an idea I graciously denied as at the point I hadn’t considered the possibility that I was trans as seriously as I am now). If anyone could help me out that would be awesome.
    In summary, I am only 12 and have not started my period yet, but I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with the curves etc that my body is beginning to create but I don’t feel seriously dysphoric. I have always been a tomboy and often am mistaken for a boy, and feel life would be easier as a male. Neither they/them nor she/her pronouns seem to fit and he/him pronouns make me happy but seem to apply to someone else. I don’t like going into the women’s toilet for fear of the looks I get and sometimes resort ti using the men’s.
    Thank you a lot,

  • Steve / Steph

    November 21, 2016 at 2:50 PM Reply

    I have come to believe I am MtF Transgender
    This may read a bit random, as it is as the words hit the page..
    I have always had the feeling that I preferred to be in women’s clothing, (not sexual, more comfortable and happy) however I have never felt male or female (not knowing what that is), just felt like me. Saying that I wish / dream that I could have the body of a female, and as time passes this feeling has grows stronger. I also have never liked being in the male persona,
    My Wife of 16 years recently said to me that she originally thought I was gay, but realised that I was more effeminate. She does know of my feeling, and has her own difficulties coping with knowing. It is a conversation that comes up occasionally, however it is rarely discussed. She is Tomboyish and maybe why I was drawn to her (which is probably why no divorce has happened). I love to go cloths shopping with her, looking at the cloths I wish I could try. But social stereotyping prevents me from, and not feeling guilty for being in the woman’s department.
    My earliest memories are vague, but have been told stories by my mother of things I did when I was little. Bath times I would tuck them away to see what it would be like to not have them. (While writing this I have just realised I don’t like to talk about my genitalia, or even like them)
    I needed glasses when I was about 6, and I wanted the prettier coloured ones, even though they were the girl’s frames, and wasn’t allowed to have. I don’t remember wanting “girls” toys, although I loved cuddly toys and fashion, looking at what girls were wearing, have never actually liked men’s fashion, also getting on better with girls as friends, not having many male friends. They always seemed to want to compete, or bully!
    As time went on I became a “quiet child” repressing these feelings, but being unhappy with it & myself. Hiding and wearing my Sisters or Mothers cloths. Until I was old enough, had an income, and the courage to buy my own. These is an un-spoken part of my marriage, as I do love her deeply, and can’t see life without her, even if I were female.
    Recently I had a conversation with my mum, where I admitted that if there had been the opportunity to become my true self I would have done it. However I felt that I didn’t want to be a bloke in a dress!
    In the last couple of years, I have found myself wearing more gender neutral women’s clothing in public, even to the point of having prosthesis. I am quite fitness active, Jogging and Cycling in women’s sportswear where possible.
    This is the point I am at now, but the recent increase of public profile transgender, advances in surgery, and acceptance. Has thrown a complete spanner in the works..

  • lila

    December 5, 2016 at 9:42 AM Reply

    At 27, I’m still wondering if I’m transgendered. I’ve always been attracted to more stereotypically-female things over stereotypically-male things, even as a child. I loved all the Disney princess movies, occasionally dressed up in my mother’s shoes and clothes. But then again, I’ve loved cars and Legos and mechanical things, for about as long. I’ve come to realize, as a person interested in sociological concepts, as well, that for me, gender identification isn’t the crux of my sense of misplacement, as gender is a concept constructed by society, and the exact instantiations of it vary from one society to the next. I can talk about fashion just as deeply as I can talk about cars; I can be both caring and competitive, etc. For me, the sense of misplacement is more about my physicality and how people respond to it.

    Being 6’5″ (if fairly lean), and having a fairly deep voice, no one would mistake me as female, even for a second. I think we all know that even physical size is gendered: men are relatively bigger, and women are relatively smaller (on average). I could imagine myself being happy as a smaller male, even if I was still a bit over 6′, but ideally, I think I’d be a woman of average height and petite build. I’ve read that being envious of the advantage the opposite sex has with your assigned sex isn’t a quality of being truly transgendered, but I’d be lying if I said that the relative ease with which straight women (I’m attracted to men) can find partners isn’t a factor for me.

    It’s just depressing to me that almost every time I meet someone, or go somewhere, people look at me and make comments (even neutral or positive comments) about me because of my height. They just remind me that however I feel on the inside doesn’t match my outside. I worry that women around me who don’t know me think I pose a threat to them, when I’m the kind of person who apologizes to spiders when I squish them. I just want to yell, “it’s okay, I’m one of you!”….But we all know that women who are outside the norm for physical size are chastised much more than men. I’d hate to go from a 6’5″ identifiably-male person who feels out of place all the time and receives comments to remind him of that, to a 6’5” identifiably-female person who is genuinely far outside of the statistical physical norm and is noticed and remarked-upon all the more.

    I just feel stuck in this body, in every sense of the word “stuck”. For years, I’ve even been avoiding any type of unnecessary social situation (defined as a situation which, were I to avoid, wouldn’t signal to people that care about me that something’s wrong), even my own loving family, because wherever I go, I just…don’t feel right. And I don’t know what, if anything, I can do about it.

  • Julia

    December 12, 2016 at 2:31 PM Reply

    Hey I’m 17 I’m girl I Feel like transgender. But how do you know.. If you are?

  • kcepyram

    December 26, 2016 at 3:38 AM Reply

    OK so my parents are Christians and so is my sister . I am not religious so I don’t know how to tell my parents that I want to be Transgender . My sister already knows . I am just super scared to tell them because I don’t know what they will do . I have been going through this for about a year and I am 12 so I started watching ftm Transgender people to see what their lives are kind like . One day my sister my mom and I were in the truck going home and I got on and showed my mom this guy I am following that is Transgender and so I told her that he was Transgender and she was saying that she was completely hates that life style and stuff like that so that is why I so scared to tell her . Some nights I have dreams about it and I really need help from you please

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      December 26, 2016 at 10:31 AM Reply

      I can tell you are in a tough spot, I’m really sorry to hear that. Firstly, I made a video that could be helpful:

      Although we can hope for the best that your family will end up being understanding, I also think it’s a good idea for you to find at least one trusted adult you can turn to who can be supportive just in case. This can be a teacher, a school counselor, someone else in your family, a coach, etc. That person can hopefully help you through any tough times that might lie ahead. Ideally your parents would help you find a gender therapist who can work together with your whole family to figure out what the best steps are to take. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you!

  • Alex

    January 4, 2017 at 8:42 PM Reply

    Hi I’m 18 years old and I think I am transgender (ftm) but even after watching this video I’m not sure…
    I’ve been feeling like this for 6 years now. Even as a kid I preferred playing with the guys more than the girls….and I felt different in the sense that I didn’t belong….I loved playing cars and Legos and mechanical things, and yet I didn’t enjoy playing with dolls, wearing makeup or playing dress up with the other girls. I have always been more tomboyish, but I didn’t show really it until 4 years back as I couldn’t stand wearing the girly clothes that my mom bought me anymore. It just wasn’t who I was….and every time I looked in the mirror I saw someone who wasn’t me. Puberty was hell….and I hated the way my body was changing constantly….Even when I talk to my family I act differently to try to meet up to their standards of the ideal female and I feel even more depressed because I can’t be me. I feel as if I’m stuck in another person’s body and I can’t look in the mirror without further thinking what is wrong with me.

    I’m now in University and I cut my hair (even thought my parents hate it). A lot of times I dress in guy clothes and use my chest binder to hide the fact that I’m female….A couple of times I’ve been called by masculin pronouns and it made me feel extremely happy. My family is very religious and I don’t think my dad will be excepting of the fact that I could be transgender. I honestly am not sure what to do.

  • luce

    January 8, 2017 at 5:05 PM Reply

    Hi, i’m 18 and i’m a girl! i don’t know if i’m transgender or not! I’m really confused and it is starting to freak me out. when i was little i prefered to dress boy clothes and hated when my mom made me wear skirts, pink clothes, or dresses! i used to prefer to play with boy toys (cars, etc), and hated dolls, i always riped their heads of! when i was 12/13 i used to dress like a boy, but then started to see these girls wearing really girly clothes and everyone liked them, and since i had literally 0 friends, i thought that was the solution, so i started to dress more feminine, although i always felt uncomfortable. And since I was 14 I started to pretend that I was a boy (i never told anyone until recently, i told my best friend) , but I really never knew why until recently. And now this subject never leaves my mind.

  • Charlie

    January 17, 2017 at 6:22 PM Reply

    I am a younger teen and I have been starting to ask myself this question (am I transgender?) it has been about 5 months, I mean at first I didn’t think it would last, I liked the appearance of having a flat chest and having short hair, being called a he or they but it hasn’t changed, i have been dodging this for some time, i don’t know how to deal with it because it is too early but I want to know, I want to be able to feel accomplished and confortable with myself, I grew up in a place where gender was never enforced so I never needed to question it, i never got hints like playing with barbies or cars, to be honest I liked dragons and boats better, but I did still have a phase when I liked pink at the age of 4. All these things confuse me so I don’t know. i feel so confident when i pass but is it just a phase, will it go away, is there any way for me to know?

  • maggie

    March 4, 2017 at 9:39 PM Reply

    hi…im a 16 y old female who is really unsure about my gender. My parents trans bc I liked wearing dresses when I was 4..but I also played with trucks too. My dad abused me, mostly mentally but sometimes physically, because he wanted me to have been born male. So he made me physically fight him every day and he made me wear boys clothes and play football, but he also made me wear fancy dresses to parties and always kept my hair long. It was a very confusing message. My mom and I have escaped him now but im really unsure about my real gender. I can’t tell if I wish I were male now because my dad brainwashed me or if its because im actually transgender. Ever since I learned what ftm was when I was twelve its been in the back of my mind and I really don’t know how to tell whether my feelings are a product of my parents or are actually a part of me. I’m also scared my mom (who is my only family now) wont love me bc tho my mom is a bit accepting shes still 62 and from a very traditional generation.

  • Zayden khoshekh

    March 20, 2017 at 3:05 PM Reply

    Hi.. im 16 almost 17 and I think I might be transgender? I’ve been thinking for months, talking to different people, looking at different things and I’m pretty sure I am trans. The only thing keeping me from being 100% sure is the fear. The fear of what will happen.. how people will treat me.. how my mom will treat me. She said getting a sex change is where she draws the line.. but i want a sex change. Or at least top surgery to get rid of my boobs. I want to start testosterone. I want to be a boy. Ive never been a girly girl an when people use my birth name or call me a girl it hurts but I don’t let it show. I’ve gotten most of my teachers to call me Zayden and use male pronouns for me but it took a while to tell some of them. I didn’t tell them I’m trans I just said I used male pronouns and a different name.. they were accepting and it made me really happy. How do I get rid of the fear? Imy not comfortable being a girl.. when I have to use the girls bathroom or girls locker room… I was after a chocolate one day a chopped I stood there staring at the boys bathroom sign debating on if I should go in or not but I ended up just going to the girls bathroom scared someone would walk in and recognise me…

  • Steven

    March 31, 2017 at 12:03 PM Reply

    I have no idea if I’m trans or it’s one of those fantasy things. I was introduced transgender as a thing when i found a forum online of both people who just see it as a fantasy thing and people really going through with transitioning. That was when i was 16 or 17. I’m now 27 and i find myself looking at women and being jealous of them rather than doing the normal male thing of “she’s hot”.

  • Alexa

    April 8, 2017 at 3:19 AM Reply a boy and I need help cause I’m so confused.. . Since i was like 7 or 8 I liked “girl” toys, and tried to hide that, I loved girl clothes but was ashamed. Since I was like 12 or 13 I became jealous about women with that body… I’ve always wanted to be a girl and wear dresses and stuff like that… I am 18 now and I have a girlfriend and she’s cool and we can talk about everything. She has just started being a model and I felt kinda bad cause I’d love to be a female model. Well… we have talked about that and she says I’ve always been so femaleish… I just want to know if I’m trans… cause I feel more comfortable when I wear skirts and bras. With my gf lends me. But I am not completely sure I’m a girl… I wouldn’t like to have surgery, but I’d love to have natural female genitals. And I really want to know if I am a girl or just want to be one..

  • Shelbi

    April 14, 2017 at 2:46 PM Reply

    I was born a girl but for years I’ve felt more like a guy my parents even call me he or their son sometimes but I’m 15 and I go by kellin at school but I don’t want to tell my parents that I want to be a guy. I just feel better when people call me kellin and not shelbi.what does this mean? Should I tell my parents that I feel better as a guy?

  • Katie

    April 16, 2017 at 5:22 PM Reply

    OK 0- cant read all these posts, but just to say, as a 54 year old ‘man’ who has recently talked to wife over my life long level of dysmorphia – seriously almost 50 years of having to internalise it – she has helped me limitedly (we have too big alpha male sons still at home which doesn’t help – that took a long time to do btw) so I dress finally (bedroom and en-suite only) and make up and just stare at myself for literally hours living partially the warm dreams I have had for decade’s, I am broken between having my life so far and having such gorgeous sons and wasting it though the internalisation. I cant take pills and stuff or my wife and soul mate will leave me and that’s terminal for me as due to the internalisation means I don’t have many of friends -really internalised..- Managed to get some HRT tabs a moth ago , and just seeing what I feel like and I’m so very much less angry and mind seems happier and clearer and wife says I’m so much better to be with and we so much closer etc. we laugh so much more. Not certain what to do from here as I’m getting a need to wake up as this alternative self, but I will def loose job and as I earn 4 times as much as my wife, and its def gender and sexist industry, I cant. I done know what to do as its really upsetting me atm.

    • Katie

      April 16, 2017 at 5:35 PM Reply

      Reading up – for your own sake those early enough to make the choice get help in identifying what and where your real soul lies, don’t waste many years of your lives begin uncomfortable and unknowing – I am very educated and I still couldn’t take the real step to do something about it. until now and I’m risking everything I have worked for over the last 30 years (3 universities and middle management role, but its play acting I think). Those are lost to me – don’t loose them please, sort it out and stay with it please. I have missed my main chance so don’t waste yours as its extremely regrettable later on in life and you really know who you need to be by age 14-18. I knew at 8 but couldn’t so I internalised it, and it has lead me to near suicide many times over the decades – too many close calls. Get help an go on to a better journey in confidence.

  • Anna

    May 6, 2017 at 10:26 AM Reply

    I think you should tell your parents. I don’t know If I’m a transgender, but since I remember I want to be a boy. Can you help me? Do you have Instagram or anything that we could talk? I’m from Brazil, sorry my bad english

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 6, 2017 at 7:14 PM Reply

      I have some resources that I hope can help, I’ll send them your way 🙂

  • prabhath

    May 30, 2017 at 12:01 AM Reply

    I am a boy.But sometimes I want to be a girl and i want to ware i transgender

  • Sav

    June 15, 2017 at 2:19 PM Reply

    Hi, I’m 12 years old and I am questioning my gender. I know for a fact that I am pansexual. But my gender has always been really confusing for me, I went from being cisgender, to genderfluid, demigirl, genderneutral, you name it. But now I’m seriously wondering if I am Trans, or if it’s just something I want to be for attention. It sounds bad but I’m honestly unsure.

    I’ve always more-so fit in with the boys than the girls, and I don’t really like being “girly”. But I am more in-touch with my feminine side than my masculine. I have a male original character named Lukas and I’ve always found it easier to be him than it is to be me, because I’m a girl and he isn’t. Roleplaying as him just makes me feel more comfortable. Is it okay for a FTM transgender person to be feminine even when they have transitioned into being male? Like, for instance, I like to wear makeup sometimes but idk if it’s okay for a transgender guy to wear makeup and stuff.

    I wouldn’t say I’m uncomfortable with being in my body, but I don’t like having the female parts. They just make me feel not-okay having them. Can somebody help me?

  • giovana

    June 16, 2017 at 11:23 PM Reply

    hello, so the thing is: female thats fine
    and i like my body and i dont feel unconfortable with it but i dont identify as a girl or a boy i mean i dont feel like im a girl 100% of the time but i also dont feel like im a boy oh gosh do you know what im saying? i first started thinking about it last year, when I started questioning my sexuality, but it really started kinda freak me out this year because i get really unconfortable not knowing what i am

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      June 17, 2017 at 2:36 PM Reply

      Start investigating the various nonbinary identities which exist, I have a feeling you might find what you are looking for there. 🙂

  • Casey Vecchio

    July 17, 2017 at 12:56 PM Reply

    So recently I have thought that I may be transgender in one way or another. I have never really strongly identified with being a girl and had a strong feeling of disconnect with being referred to with feminine pronouns and language. I have always just been content with being Casey. I do however feel a decent amount of body dysphoria and I have always hated having long hair and only had so when I thought it was necessary and could not be avoided. But at the same time I don’t necessarily fit many of the male stereotypes. I have and will always enjoy dancing. Although I had always wanted to participate as a male part whenever able to. I think that is about it. i just am very uncertain of myself.

  • Bailey

    July 25, 2017 at 6:31 PM Reply

    I don’t know if I’m trans but I feel like I’m suppose to be a male not a female

  • Robin

    July 31, 2017 at 4:11 PM Reply

    My opinion is that people would probably be better off if they stopped worrying what category they belong to or what label they should apply to themselves.

    Live in a way that feels comfortable to you; wear clothes that you like. You might not yet be in a situation where you can do that but, if you’re young, you can probably make some life choices that will get you there eventually.

    Someone here said they think they should be a girl because they like to draw, swim, and read. Since when are those “girl” things? People of all descriptions enjoy those things.

    Someone said they like being a girl, enjoy being tough and strong and wearing jeans and flannel, and don’t like wearing dresses, skirts, and makeup. Ok, cool. Do that. It doesn’t mean you have to call yourself trans or agender or genderqueer, or whatever.

    I’ve known lesbians who often dress fairly masculine and like to work out, and also like to wear dresses and makeup and go out sometimes. Ok.

    Sometimes I see guys who appear to be ok with being guys and also like to wear skirts. Occasionally I’ll see a guy wearing a skirt who has a beard. You can do that and not be a girl or be trans.

    It’s ok to be who you are.

  • Lian

    August 1, 2017 at 12:29 AM Reply

    I am a biological female, I date and prefer sex with females. Society labels me as a “lesbian” a word I dislike very much and I feel very uncomfortable with. Ever since I was little being identified as girl felt uncomfortable but just the thought of someone calling me a “he” makes me feel very uncomfortable too. In my mind or when I close my eyes I imagine me as a very pretty flat chested person, a strong person with big veiny arms wearing female and male clothes combined that don’t make me seem masculine or feminine at all. I also imagine me as having hairy legs but a clean hairless face and a decent hair style not short, not long but just comfortable and I also see me kissing goodbye that horrible monthly period but I don’t mind my vagina. But when I open my eyes and see myself in the mirror I am a sad person with big boobs and big hips, when I mix the female and male clothes I feel people sees me and thinks of me as a “butchy lesbian” and makes me even more sad.

    I am very confused I don’t like my female body and I don’t want to be a hairy dude.

    I wish people would see me and ask them selves “is that a male or a female” and just call me by my name because I am not a gender, I am me, I am a person who’s body doesn’t look as the brain imagines it.

    But the big question is:

    Am I transgender? If so,
    What kind of transgender am I?

    What can I do to stop hating my body and start loving me???????

  • Here am I | Just Jamie

    August 2, 2017 at 3:29 AM Reply

    […] read on a post that by undertaking the research and asking myself whether or not I’m transgender indicates […]

  • Kai

    August 22, 2017 at 5:29 PM Reply

    I think I might be transgender (FTM) but I’m not sure. I feel uncomfortable in my body. When I was younger and first started going through puberty I started freaking out because I never wanted breasts or curves. I just feel wrong being in this body. I try to buy more boyish clothing but I hate how it looks on me because of my body. I don’t really know what to do or what to think. I don’t think my family would understand my problems or accept me. I’ve been really stressed about this, and can’t stop thinking about it. I just don’t feel right…

  • BdoMcGGo

    January 10, 2018 at 1:01 AM Reply

    Hi. Great article. I was assigned male at birth. I’m gay. I don’t experience the traditional transgender traits. I like male clothes because they’re comfortable. I don’t have a real problem with my penis. But I do fantasise as a woman. And I do feel mentally female. Just tomboyish. And then I recently found out I have an intersex condition but it’s a condition that expressed itself in my adolescence and is not as present anymore but I still possess an extra X chromosome.

    Are the letters of LGBTQ a spectrum? Because I am so confused. If it wasn’t for my conservative family, and if the process of transitioning wasn’t so long and intense, I’d do it in a heart beat. But as long as it’s a long drawn out process and as long as my family is around, the desire just isn’t there.

    I thought I might be a self hating gay man who wants to be female for an easy “out” but then when I found out I was intersex I wondered if there was more to what I wanted.

    Sorry for the pointless rant but I feel like I just had to express this. It’s something that is a secret to everyone I know so I needed this space just to vent. Thanks.

  • […] to describe your relationship with gender. Here are some good resources for exploring your gender: (Ask a Gender Therapist, List of Genderqueer Identities) Best of […]

  • […] I think I might be trans. What should I do? […]

  • Anonymous

    March 1, 2018 at 4:48 PM Reply

    Hi, I think I’m transgender FTM but I’m not sure which is why I read this post. I have Asperger’s and much of my childhood and even early teens were just learning to understand this world I live in and how to function in it. I never even heard the word transgender until I was in my late to mid-twenties. I’ve always had the inclination that I’m a male but I’ve always pushed it away ignored it. I am 30 years old and only just last year I have been learning about what it means to be transgender, gender-fluid, non-binary, queer, etc. I’m just now questioning everything I claimed I liked and I’m just very confused.

  • Denise Schwarck

    March 6, 2018 at 1:49 AM Reply

    I’m having a difficult time getting to know my gender. I thought I was Gender fluid but I started doubting that. I feel more boy than girl but I feel feminine sometimes and like to do my eyesbrows (an example) or wear a skirt, yet I still feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable. I started wearing a binder, because I started feeling really uncomfortable with my body type. I recently came out to my mom as Gender fluid, so that’s what she knows me as. I changed my name to Denise (or Denis I don’t have a preference both names are pronounced as Denise) I have nicknames and I really like the name Denise it’s not too girly. I don’t know what to do I can’t figure out what I am but I know for sure I am NOT Gender fluid because I know there’s more than that.

  • […] gender therapists offering to help a child do that, because if you even suspect you might be trans, then you probably are. Type ‘child gender therapist UK’ into Google and you get over 15 million […]

  • Thomas Cady

    May 10, 2018 at 6:08 AM Reply

    i feel transgender (FTM), but my family at home is transphobic and they keep telling me it’s a phase. i don’t think it is, but they are very manipulative and it’s scaring me. i have felt this way since i was a toddler, but my family continues to deny it. they tell me and my therapist that i’m lying, but i’m not. any advice on how to deal with this?

  • Thomas Cady

    May 10, 2018 at 6:13 AM Reply

    I was assigned female at birth, but throughout my life, I have felt that it was wrong. That I’m not really a female, even though I have a female’s body. My family is transphobic and I am transgender (FTM). I feel dysphoria a lot and have no one to talk to. My family tells me it is impossible for me to feel the way I do, and they are very manipulative, so I start to believe it sometimes,even though I know it’s wrong and that it is possible to be transgender. What do I do? My mother especially tells me that I’m wrong. She has called me names and called me stupid for feeling transgender. She also hurts me. What do I do and how do I deal with dysphoria and transphobic people? How do I tell the people around me who have known me since a young age (from school) that I’m not the female they thought I was?

  • ganesh

    May 17, 2018 at 11:44 PM Reply

    I was assigned male at birth now am 24 but from the past 1year i feel like am a different person there are only few incidents in my past I feel like this but now this time I don’t want to be like this anymore when someone calls my name I don’t like it and I don’t want to wear these dresses am in confusion why now am I trans or is any other problem with me from the past few weeks this dysphoria increases please help me

  • confused boy named tom

    May 22, 2018 at 8:00 AM Reply

    i identify as a male (ftm) but sometimes i feel feminine (and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and sad) is this dysphoria?

  • Kai

    July 30, 2018 at 12:42 PM Reply

    I was born a girl but I’ve always felt as if something was wrong, when I was 12 I told my mum that I wanted to be a boy and she squished it by saying that ‘because I liked girls I didn’t have to be a boy’ and it stopped me thinking about it for a bit but last year when I was getting into my bridesmaid dress I suddenly felt so uncomfortable and hated that everyone was looking at me and ever since that I’ve always noticed whenever anyone calls me by female pronouns and I hate wearing flowery clothes and I make a conscious effort to make my breasts less noticeable.
    I know my mum’s against it because I brought it up again at the start of this year and she said how ‘I can’t change anything, and how god won’t accept me’ and she also said that I was feeling this way because of my autism. I’m just wondering whether or not I have real gender dysphoria and if there is any point in me trying to get my mum to understand.
    At the moment as I am only 15 I’m thinking that maybe I should wait to see if this feeling persists and then when I’m older maybe come back and tell her to see if she supports me.

  • Sam Robinson

    August 23, 2018 at 6:16 PM Reply

    I’ve been questioning my gender for a few months now. I’m not sure if I am transgender or not, and I need some advice on whether or not my feelings are because of gender dysphoria.

    I kind of grew up in a house that didn’t exactly push gender roles onto me as a kid, so I didn’t really notice a difference in myself. Girly clothing styles make me uncomfortable and I naturally turned to baggy men’s wear for consolation, and it actually helped me. I’ve never explicitly said “I’m a boy”, but I recognize that I hate having boobs (however small they may be) and I’ve been trying out thinking of myself as a guy and using they/them pronouns and it honestly makes me feel okay with myself.

    I mean, sure, I paid attention to the puberty stuff in health class, but I felt a sort of…disconnection to it I suppose? Like in the “okay this is important but it doesn’t pertain to me” sort of way. And as much as my mother hates it, being hairy was never a problem for me when I grew older and started to learn that I could just ignore what other people had to say about it and move on.

    I’m somewhat of a black sheep in my high school, mostly considering it’s in the south so it’s not odd to see strange looks get thrown my way. I cut my hair short and dye it all kinds of crazy colors and I have a lip piercing, so usually seeing me is a shock to the system either way. I came out as lesbian my sophomore (maybe freshman) year, but I think I only did that as a defense since I talked constantly about wanting to be a guy (you’d think I would have caught on), but I didn’t know there was an alternative and by the time I realized it I had pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it. I mean sure, I could fit into the butch lesbian community, but it didn’t feel like me.

    When I put on my guy clothes I feel better, but I look in the mirror and I’m disappointed because I don’t look like a guy, just a girl in guy’s clothing. I started wearing sports bras because they made me look flat-chested, and when I looked at myself again I felt a little better, but my chest is giving me a lot of issues and now wearing a sports bra isn’t helping me anymore. I’ve thought about getting a binder to see if it would make things better for me, but I haven’t gotten around to it. I’m more concerned about what my mom will think about it because, even though she didn’t react as negatively as some parents do, she still gave me grief when I came out as lesbian. The usual “you’re too young to make that decision” or “now I’ll never have grandkids” kind of stuff (it kind of burned my brother too because I guess she has no hope for him having kids of his own). I’m just so afraid of disappointing her more than I have already and I think that’s what’s holding me back the most, besides how some of my friends feel. I’ve heard them say how it’s so difficult to incorporate the different pronouns (mainly the they/them pronouns, which I prefer) into regular sentence structures and how they don’t support it (it being trans or non-binary) but they respect it. But how can you respect something (or someone) if you don’t support them?

    The happiness when presenting as a guy made me realize that I wasn’t happy being female before. The excitement and joy I get when someone accidentally calls me a guy is so euphoric that I can’t even describe it. I know this sounds very much like dysphoria, but I still have doubts. When I compare myself to other guys that have experiences worse than my own, I doubt myself for ever thinking that I might be trans. And at this point, I’m just digging myself an even deeper hole in my confusion and unhappiness with myself.

    I’d appreciate any advice or opinion of my possible gender dysphoria. Thank you so much.

  • Jun

    October 1, 2018 at 9:22 AM Reply

    Hi so lately i have been asking myself whether I am an (MTX) or not, i came out as non-binary to my friends and pretty much everyone at school knows. I really don’t mind which pronoun you use on me although i have yet to hear anyone use they and them pronouns but i really don’t mind if they use he and him pronouns although there are times i don’t like them but for the most part i don’t mind it. One major thing i did do was change my name although a majority of people still call me by my birth name which i am really starting to hate and feel really uncomfortable when i hear it. I really have never felt uncomfortable with my gender for most of my life until this the begging of this year. Just this weekend i went to universal studios city walk with my cousin and sister and we went to a store and while i was there i really want to try on some of the female cloth that they had with some heals i can and a really cute had the just mach perfectly ever since then i started questioning whether i am an (MTX) or not. Every time i looks at myself in the mirror i hate what i see and really which i wasn’t what i see i have no clue and i really which i knew who really am.

  • Stacey Sexton

    April 26, 2019 at 11:52 AM Reply

    Just a head’s up, the link to does NOT take you to the correct blog.

  • Joseph Rochefort

    November 12, 2019 at 12:14 PM Reply

    People will ask the question if you knew why didn’t you come out earlier? That isn’t easy to do when you know that most people that are fully straight are unable to comprehend being gay, lesbian, or transgender. It is so foreign to them that they have a complete lack of reference to those feelings and don’t know how to process them.

    When I was 5 years old my mother made a homophobic remark because I was holding a boy’s hand. I don’t remember the boy’s name. But I remember the sad hurt feelings that remain decades later. We might notice differences about ourselves but not have a full understanding of them. Other boys sure seem to notice that we are different. In first or second grade they are already calling us pansy or sissy. You might not feel you are a girl at a young age, but as a boy you saw your mother fawning over your sisters new skirts and saddle shoes and wish you had your own. I think I felt rather neutral as a boy almost like I was waiting for somebody to tell me what my gender was.

    There are people that wrongly think that if you don’t hate your body you can’t be transgender. Being MTF I often found myself looking in the mirror feeling rather confused and unable to understand why my female breasts were missing. Often I feel neutral about my body and wonder what “normal” men feel about their own body? I was born 30 days premature and my puberty and physical development were both delayed. I came from one of the goiter states, thyroid issues are a known in my family. It is very likely thryoid issues in both the womb and during puberty caused a delay in the producing of and receiving male hormones at the proper time and stages during my development. I have a rare eye color, a rare blood type, a rare small penis size, and being transgender that might also be seen as being rare within the LGBTQ community. I feel like a rare bird, which isn’t a positive. It might not be rare but I have never experienced being in love.

    In my case my male genitals never reached full adult size. That probably helps me in not being dysphoric about them. But on another level my sexuality is rather confused and I can’t define it. Often my penis and scrotum seem like my clitoris and labia and my anus feels like my vagina. Which makes complete sense to me as my sexual desires are very female in nature. I am not attracted to men. My only attraction to them is to their penis. I can kiss a man and get highly aroused. But I don’t want to marry a guy. Rather I want them to take me sexually. To be with a man sexually causes a great feeling of emotional relief rather than sexual relief in me. My desire for women is very strong, but I am not attracted to their vulva or vagina. So as you can see that is a very confused sexuality.

    It can take a very long time to sort out your feelings. At first you are sure you are FTM transgender. But then as time goes on you realize that you are really more Bi-Gender and might need to be both male and female at the same time. Or dress as a woman with breast enhancers but keep your male haircut so you are presenting both your male and female side. I was on testosterone reducers and estrogen for three months before having to stop. I present as having small female like breasts, and I have full protruding natural female nipples. The large nipple size was due to estrogen. The breasts most likely from needing to lose some weight. But now it is such an emotional comfort to see them in the mirror every morning. I no longer having that feeling of loss or that something is missing. But like Cis-Gender women I am learning what it feels like to have people stare at my nipples. Like some other women they are erect 99 percent of the time and protrude though double layers, both through a non-padded bra and blouse. Or though a T-shirt or camisole and blouse or shirt. I present as female in public frequently while banking or grocery shopping. But that can be difficult as you experience a wide range of emotions that are directed toward you. From mild discomfort, to disgust, to absolute hate. It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself when you hear a teller at the bank say “here he comes” then runs to the back room to hide so she doesn’t have to interact with you. Or a woman who sees you wearing only a single piece of woman’s clothing and her faces erupts into a such a mask of hate that you know that hate must have come from satan.

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